I wonder if my hormones are starting to turn. This week I’ve been quite “off”, dipping low with a sense of despair and acute lack of confidence. I feel I can’t do anything right or well enough. This could all be because I’m not making as much money as I was this time last year. I also feel overwhelmed, like I am doing too many things and not really accomplishing much.
Or rather, doing too many
unimportant miscellaneous things and not working on bettering myself or in income-producing activities.
In a way, it’s par for the course. Over the last few months I have spent countless hours going back and forth with dental insurance companies, health insurance companies, comparing policies and trying to get referrals to oral surgeons, gathering tax documents, documenting expenses, researching HELOCs and other rather unsexy things, reviewing our overextended finances, budgeting, paying the bills, doing things with the kids, doing housework. On top of that, I have worked two trade shows, sold a house, and tried to keep up with my regular freelance work, all while struggling with laggy internet and a computer that’s on its last legs.
I am not complaining. I am happy to be able to do all these things for my family. And to be perfectly clear, the fact is that my husband does help with housework, my boys do their own laundry, and I have done fun things with my boy. I even got to go see Frida’s exhibit at the Dali while the hubby installed windows in the house. So it’s not at all horrible and I am not trying to be ungrateful.
But I do feel overwhelmed. Disorganized. Like I can never catch up. As soon as one thing is handled (like health insurance) another one pops ups (like taxes and my fucked up finances) and in the meantime my businesses aren’t growing and the dust bunnies are piling up in the hallway. I know my husband is tired and overworked, and that I’m not bringing in even half of what he does, and all of that adds to my anxiety- because I don’t want him to work so hard, I want him to have quality of life. I don’t want him to feel resentful. I already feel his energy is so much heavier than it was last year. And I’m terrified of being financially dependent on someone.
In the midst of all of this, I have begun to think I am really losing my mind- for real this time. My fears feel huge. Depression has been looming. I have been uptight AF. Loneliness is loud. Today I was so anxious I could hardly breathe.
I will be 40 this year.
I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come.