Everyone has their own agenda. I do too. I cook because I want my family to remember me for my cooking. I want to give them good memories.

The problem is, you can never do things FOR other people. They either take them for granted or they resent them.

Take my child, for instance. I left a careerI loved for him, so I could take care of him myself instead of  a day care. Today, thanks in part to his enabling father, he is a lazy, entitled piece of shit who told me; “you’re always trying to spend time with me, right? (“yeah”) Tell, me, how is that working out for you??” You little piece of shit. I lost my beloved career because of you. Thanks, asshole.

Then my husband. He is giving me a hard time about my kid spending his summer in bed. His kid spent a good 2 years -more like 3 years- sleeping for 15 hours a day and playing video games from 3PM till 3AM in the morning. His response to me pointing this out?? “He NEVER did that”. He didn’t??? “I never saw him”. “Wellll I did” ” He didn’t”. WOW.

People just suck.

Hormonal

I wonder if my hormones are starting to turn. This week I’ve been quite “off”, dipping low with a sense of despair and acute lack of confidence. I feel I can’t do anything right or well enough. This could all be because I’m not making as much money as I was this time last year. I also feel overwhelmed, like I am doing too many things and not really accomplishing much.

Or rather, doing too many unimportant miscellaneous things and not working on bettering myself or in income-producing activities.

In a way, it’s par for the course. Over the last few months I have spent countless hours going back and forth with dental insurance companies, health insurance companies, comparing policies and trying to get referrals to oral surgeons, gathering tax documents, documenting expenses, researching HELOCs and other rather unsexy things, reviewing our overextended finances, budgeting, paying the bills, doing things with the kids, doing housework. On top of that, I have worked two trade shows, sold a house, and tried to keep up with my regular freelance work, all while struggling with laggy internet and a computer that’s on its last legs.

I am not complaining. I am happy to be able to do all these things for my family. And to be perfectly clear, the fact is that my husband does help with housework, my boys do their own laundry, and I have done fun things with my boy. I even got to go see Frida’s exhibit at the Dali while the hubby installed windows in the house. So it’s not at all horrible and I am not trying to be ungrateful.

But I do feel overwhelmed. Disorganized. Like I can never catch up. As soon as one thing is handled (like health insurance) another one pops ups (like taxes and my fucked up finances) and in the meantime my businesses aren’t growing and the dust bunnies are piling up in the hallway. I know my husband is tired and overworked, and that I’m not bringing in even half of what he does, and all of that adds to my anxiety- because I don’t want him to work so hard, I want him to have quality of life. I don’t want him to feel resentful. I already feel his energy is so much heavier than it was last year. And I’m terrified of being financially dependent on someone.

In the midst of all of this, I have begun to think I am really losing my mind- for real this time. My fears feel huge. Depression has been looming. I have been uptight AF. Loneliness is loud. Today I was so anxious I could hardly breathe.

I will be 40 this year.

I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come.

Fears

I am starting to see that my fears are much bigger than reality. But the fears also seem bigger and meaner than they used to be. They used to be small and passing, but now they’re heavy and towering. If they keep going this way they will become enormous, like big wooly mammoths, and all I can see in the future is the frightening shadow they cast on me.

Indoctrination

in·doc·tri·na·tion, noun
  1. the process of teaching a person or group to accept a set of beliefs uncritically.

This is how I truly understood indoctrination: I was reading a book about counteracting Watchtower doctrine. I was falling asleep. As I read the words explaining why the Governmental Body isn’t the Faithful and Discreet Slave (if you are not a witness, this will not make sense to you), I found myself rebutting each bullet point with things I remembered; points the author wasn’t taking into account, various other reasons why the Watchtower feels the Governmental Body is the FD&S (real or not). Now that I’m awake, I can’t remember any of those reasons.

While I was half asleep, they all came to me easily without even thinking. One after the other. Now I can’t remember any of it. My indoctrination was successful, even if it was flawed: the teachings are in my subconscious, even through the awakening of my rational mind.

Economy vs People

If you like donald trump because you say he’s good for the economy, while ignoring the environmental repercussions of his executive actions, being completely apathetic to the fact America was made great by immigrants, believing that abortion should be criminalized, and that the media should be suppressed… well then my friend, you have made it perfectly clear that money is more important to you than people.

Food Stamps

In early 2009 (around the time Obama took office but before any of his policies were put in place), I applied to for food stamps. I was denied.

I was literally starving- and I do mean literally in the proper sense of the word. I had almost no food in my house, my car was getting repossessed, I had no car insurance and certainly no health insurance. Here’s the thing though: I was working two jobs at the time. The economy was really bad in early 2009, I had just gone through a divorce, and was reentering the workforce after being a stay-at-home Mom for five years. Things weren’t easy for me. I could have really benefited from ACA, SNAP, and a few other assistance programs because I really was in need.

Republicans love to say that people on welfare are lazy, that they’re drug users and they love to mooch. That simply just isn’t true. Are there people who buck the system? Well of course. But the fact is, as of 2015 the vast majority of people on some form of government assistance were employed. The problem is they were employed in low-paying jobs like fast food or child care (see a study here). Also, most of the assistance goes to children.*

It seems that a lot of people who have it easy or who managed to pull themselves out of poverty love to judge. By stating that “people on welfare are lazy” they’re automatically and apathetically passing judgment on others who are struggling to make ends meet. So what if a portion of those people are bucking the system? That is their own karma to bear. There are plenty others who don’t have it as good as you do. And if you’re in a position where your tax dollars are going to help someone else, you really don’t have it that bad, and you should be glad.

*This is one of the reasons Planned Parenthood is so important, you conservative Republican Christians: if you don’t want to feed all these extra children, then how about we help people not have so many kids in the first place? Did that ever occur to you??